Mercury Retrograde Recovery
And like gathering nuts before winter comes again, it can be helpful to learn something about communication before challenges hit again.
Have you ever had one of those drag down dirty arguments with someone, only to realize later that it wasn’t really about what you thought it was? It’s almost like the problem simply disappears once a shift happens.
This is the nature of arguments and conflicts. They so often trigger our deepest core issues, and we rush into protection mode by putting up our defenses. So it is really the defenses that are up against each other, not the human beings underneath.
But what happens? We believe our own position, seeing through our own survival lens. This lens may be red or black, and it may be angry and fierce as a tiger. But underneath it’s like a frightened child. And not only that, the lens is all scratched and dirty and grimy, full of old patterns and past conditioning and survival experiences.
So in relationships of any kind, how can you avoid arguments that are toxic and damaging to each person and to the relationship? Since tensions and disagreements are bound to occur in sustaining relationships, how can you end an argument BEFORE it even starts?
Here are 5 ways:
1) TIME – OUT. Breath. Take space. And do what you teach your kids to do. Take a time-out before things blow-out! If the energy is too heated, it often won’t go well, so get some breathing room, clear your own emotions, and then come back to it when the energy is more calm and clear. It can also be a nice thing to tell your partner this is what you’re doing, so it’s not taken as abandoning the issue or running away. 😉
2) SAFETY RULES. As much as there’s a tendency to want to avoid issues altogether, have you ever noticed they keep popping up again later anyway? It’s a little bit like that game Whac-A-Mole. You push it down, and it pops up elsewhere. This is because there is some energy being held between two people that is asking to be expressed and aired out. You can’t just pretend this doesn’t exist or suppress it or put it on one person. So besides each person being responsible for clearing their own energy, it is also responsible and considerate in relationships to come back to the SHARED energy and be able to talk about things without being hurtful. Agreeing on rules such as no name-calling, accusing, blaming or yelling, can be a powerfully safe way to have a difficult conversation not be so difficult! It is important not to make each other wrong or feel shameful about who they are during any conversation. It is the human right of each individual to feel respected for who they are while growing in a relationship.
3) USE “I” STATEMENTS. Just the word “you” itself, can get the unconscious army of defenses wild and ready to go! This means the other person won’t hear your message because they feel blamed. Using messages like “I feel (blank) when you (description of behavior), and here is my request/desire…” is a way to own your feelings while telling the other person the impact they have on you. And it’s up to them to decide to honor that or not.
4) NIP IT IN THE BUD. Air out hidden resentments before they build up. We all know what happens to a balloon when we fill it with too much air. Pop! The same with the build up of negative emotions. Diffuse the energy along the way by talking about it before you’re too close to the fire. Also do things like journaling and physical and creative expression, to prevent blow-outs.
5) TALK IN PERSON. I cannot stress enough how important it is to talk face-to-face! Do NOT try to work it out in a text or an email. Second-best is a phone call. Way too much can get misinterpreted by texts and emails. Just have the patience to wait until you can talk in person. This way you have the presence of the person, the emotional signals, the voice intonations, the eye contact, the facial expressions and spiritual energy of each other. Nothing can replace this! Text/email has the effect of being in a car during road rage. One can easily objectify and dehumanize the other person. Especially since without the other person’s presence, we are reacting to our own projections and possible negative image of them, which is not who they really are.
So, as you’re celebrating Mercury direct this month, gather your communication acorns. Relationships require us to step outside of ourselves and make room for another. This calls for consideration, compassion and respect. And clearing your own lens so you can see clearly is well worth it!
A couple of my helpful hypnotherapy meditations, Embracing Your Inner Child, and Bubble of Compassion, can be accessed on my website store or at Amazon and iTunes:
Embrace Your Inner Child Meditation (CD Baby)
Bubble Of Compassion (Amazon)